Being brave is being honest

I was determined before going to the Sahara desert that I would write a blog on my experiences there. 2 months later and I am still slowly unwinding from a completely unexpected, but I now think much needed, experience. I'm sure in a years time hindsight will give me yet again another perspective on the experience, as daily my understanding of myself and life is changing as I learn and grow. But these are my reflections here and now, still as different threads that I am still slowly sewing together to see the whole picture.
   

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When I booked to go on the Sahara desert trip I was in a place where I was tender, vulnerable and still hurting. I booked because firstly because I am curious. I love to explore and visit new places, if funds were available I would go on permenant 24/7 holiday and travel the world. It was something I'd wanted to do for a while but would never have done if I'd stayed on my previous path.

But I also think subconciously the healing aspect of the holiday really appealed to that deep down part of me that wanted to be ok again, that wanted to be healed. But I think because of when and why I booked the trip a part of me placed an expectation on the trip that it WOULD be THE time of healing.
In the future I would give that time to myself. For now I would plod on with life knowing that I could sort inside out later on.
I booked, but still I can see now the part of me that booked watched from a back seat while a rejected, unassured and lost version of Rachel lived my life.   

When the holiday got near, as well as getting excited, I was getting more and more terrified.
It got to the point that the few days before I went I was so terrified I didn't want to go and was close to locking myself in a cupboard!
It felt wrong to be doing something for me, I felt guilty that I was leaving my mum on her own, it felt extremely selfish to want to enjoy myself, I was also worried that I make a fool of myself in as many ways as is possible and no-one would like me because I was inadequete. On the trip I would have to man and direct my own canoe (only theoretically sadly!) and I could only think about the times that I had capsized in the past, not the times I had stayed afloat.

Thank you to the friends who backed up the part of me that wanted to go and said they knew it was what I needed. All you need is a good kick up the backside from a dear friend sometimes :)

Plus after Amy had so efficiently packed my luggage I had to go didn't I? ;-)


'Sometimes you have to stand alone, to see if you still can' - 'A different Approach'

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You think you're ok, too many things rely on you being ok, others need you to be ok but you're really not. I wasn't ok because I didn't truely believe in myself but rather that I was nothing special, nobody noticed me because there was nothing worth noticing. I had come to the conclusion that because I had been rejected by those who were meant to love me that there must have been something about me that made it easy to leave me, easy to forget or not love.
I had worried and reflected for a long time about how others felt about me, how they judged me and most of all I wanted someone to care more than just a passing care. I wanted and thought I needed someone else to put value on my life for it to have any value.

But here I was, in Morocco doing something I wanted to do, enriching my life with new experiences, giving mself the opportunity to enjoy myself . . . if only I fully could. I wasn't making the most of the experience because all I could see was lots of ideas about who I thought I should be, who others expected me to be, who I thought others expected me to be.



I think that being brave is being honest with yourself.

And I could blame my past, those that have hurt me, situations and experiences that have wounded me, for me not being brave. But really it is no one else nor nothing else in the end that controls my thoughts but myself. But I was scared to be brave.

I had made the choice to let external things and others, matter more than what was inside my heart, my mind, my soul. I had neglected me. I didn't matter, so why bother looking after me?

Being brave and being honest would be looking after me, caring for me. No more than that, being honest would be saying saying to myself 'you dont believe that you are worth looking after but you should and you will'. Being honest with myself I would have told me that although it would be the biggest challenge I was going to face, it wouldn't be easy and it might take a lifetime of backwards and forwards steps but it would certaintly be the greatest gift I could give myself.

'Anything worth having, is worth fighting for'


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I began fighting against, not for.

I spent the holiday at the top of a cliff  not wanting to go near the edge and look into the void to see if I was still down the bottom and instead sat curled up, walled in at the top letting my expectations, critcisms and judgements of myself fly around in that enclosure and peck at me until I had curled up so tight that I was a waiting time bomb that was going to burst.

Out at the desert camp I wrote on a piece of paper everything that hurt, all the negative things I wanted to let go of. I can't remember what I wrote now as that night is a blur but I didn't hold anything back, I was brave, I was honest, I chose to let it all go. As Anne has suggested I threw it into the fire. The first time I threw it, it was a hopeless throw and actually missed the fire, which is actually is kind of funny when I think about it. You try to have a dramatic and climactic moment of finality and you do the most wobbly throw possible haha! But it went in, on the second determined and better aimed throw! After I felt light, I felt dizzy, the heavy and tight lid had been taken off a boiling pot.        

When I burst I did in fact burst internally like a grinade and shot off a few shards of deadly metal, And being so busy bursting I couldnt think of anthing else, never mind the consequences. I was physically and mentally exhausted and felt more sick than I had in a very long time.

One of the consequences however was that the biggest of those shards ripped open a whole in the wall i'd built around myself.

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Now, why do I say wall?

While talking to Allal at Dar Sidi one evening he asked us to describe a garden. What I described did contain elements of an actual garden that I would like, most especially a waterfall. I love water, I love to emersed in it, to hear it, feel it, play with it, sing to it. But the waterfall I chose to see was a small, structured formal waterfall, with limits and controlled edge. I also wanted flowers but didnt know which ones I wanted, and I chose to surround my garden with a wall. He also asked if there was anyone in my garden, I really wanted there to be someone and tried to imagine someone there but I couldnt.
For some reason at the time I really wasn't happy with my garden, I couldn't put my finger on it, it was my garden, but not my garden. I felt uncomfortable with it and it really bugged me after.


Back home I was (still!) thinking about the garden, except now the garden was a orchard bearing lots and lots of fruit and a swing hanging from a large tree that reached to the heavens and if i chose to I could go and swing on. Behind the swing I could see an open meadow, I knew it stretched further but couldnt quite see. I was also content to be there on my own.

It struck me later, as I thought more about the garden and it changed and evolved frequently, that I could have chosen to have any garden I wanted, even a zoo or a planet if I'd wished, it was my imagination. Yet I chose to confine my garden within four, solid, high walls where I couldn't see outside, I had set limitations on my own potential.

On thinking about this wall (probably far too much) I have realised that this wall is one I have used as a safety mechanism of self preservation during and after being hurt but over time it had become constricting and confining. This wall could let nothing in BUT it also wasn't letting me out.
I have also faced the fact that I had tried to imagine someone else there in my garden with me because I was scared to be alone with myself. I was seeing the wrong solution to the problem. In my head the solution was to have someone in my garden with me so I wouldnt be lonely, so they could help me. I wouldn't go out, so I wanteed someone to come in and make it easier for me.

When really the correct solution would have been build a shed in my garden and inside find a ladder, get up that ladder and climb over the wall, allowing myself to wonder freely the other side of the wall.    


If only you could tell someone the positive and huge impact their words have had on your life! :)

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So, once there was a gap in the wall, I could (stumbling and confused post-bursting) forward jump into the void and swim to find me. The climb through was difficult, I wasn't quite sure how or where to swim, I struggled at first, I also looked for boulders to cling to. But I was swimming.
When I left the desert and returned home it all felt overwhelming, I had started swimming in the desert and wasn't sure how to continue back in my every day life. As soon as I was home I crept under my duvet and slept, made myself a cosy den, didn't eat and retreated. I didn't do anything, I didn't think, I didn't speak, I just rested.
I was still in the water, but not trying to swim, just floating.
 Then about 36 hours later I got up, I opened my curtains and I reassured my mum I will still alive by shouting downstairs and did something I hadn't done before. I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror at myself and smiled. It actually started a fit of giggles but I saw me and I smiled.

             

And im still swimming, sometimes I feel way off, sometimes it seems im not getting any further but tring to remember to be patient with myself and sometimes take some time to just peacefully feel the water on my skin, sometimes I am teaching myself a new way to swim, or sometimes we perform a funky syncronised swimming routine and just have fun :D But all the time, because I keep on swimming I am getting stronger and when I hit the waves I'm learning to sit back and ride them out rather than fighting to the point of exhaustion.


I saw this quote yesterday which nicely sums this up;

'this year has been about finding strength within myself - not looking for it in others' 'Living Positive'


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So have I learnt?


Self worth -
The value I place on myself is what matters.
Now I am re-enact the L'Oreal shampoo advert and actually mean it.

I am learning to accept myself and who I am but I need to let myself rest sometimes -
I find it hard to sit still for 5 minutes, I like my brain and mind to be engaged and stimulated, to use it to be creative, to study, to research, to think, read and write. Occassionally I will sit for 6 hours reading a book when I need to sleep because I'm so lost in that world, but I need to not do it every night. Likewise although I like to think, I have a choice about what to think, a positive thought in the morning will benefit me more than worrying about the future late into the night. I like to sit back, observe and reflect and I have to walk, run, dance, breath in and around nature until my back aches and my feet are sore and I want to be there for those I love and support them as much as I can.

 But I also know now that I need time to just do nothing and know thats its ok. I can day dream, be quiet and withdraw inside sometimes for some me time and allow myself to rest. I don't have to be doing, but sometimes can just be.


I will be kind to me -
I used to think that if I ever walked away no one would notice, I would never be missed, I was there in peoples lives, but only in passing, easily dropped. I would never cause anyone to stop and remember me and wonder where I've gone.
But now I someone would stop and look for me, someone would notice and miss me, the person who should care about me the most and that someone is me.

 'If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone' - Maxwell Maltz

I was scared of letting go, when I had let go completely, things had changed drastically, so if I let go again what would change? Would I loose something again? 
I am trying to trust.

"You realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor 




A few more I might leave for another blog :)




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So although this trip was advertised as just a holiday, oh it was so much more than that! Even these ramblings cannot full describe to anyone else what I went through.

I am thankful that I was led to this trip, in some ways I regret that I was so deep in my own healing journey that I dont think I expressed enough my gratitude and appreciation of the beautiful people I shared the time with. So I want to finish with giving thanks, Angela for being a patient room mate, who looked after me when I was ill and and for all those much needed hugs and, Sandie for being a generous and giving nurse, with her concern and medicine! and for the book you have given me since :) Kathy for all the fun and giggles we had ;) Annie for giving me hope and encouragement for the future, Mindy for helping me to let go and just dance, Barbara for the shamanic journey which brought clarification, Anne for being so utterly and amazingly herself and in being so, an inspiration, Hafid for making me both smile and cry, and Allal for listening, asking me about the garden! haha! and challenging me to be brave, something that I will treasure forever :)



So thank you for all being there with me during that part of my journey.



But most of all, thank you to me, for being honest and for choosing to be brave.

Hindsight from the castle

To be honest, I am quite enjoying reading other peoples blogs and I'm becoming a bit lazy with my own!
It fills me with happiness to be reading the positive thoughts and affirmations of my friends in their blogs and it is nice to take time out to be thankful for the good in their lives :)

Another excuse is that so many things have happened the last few months I just haven't had the time but I will make an effort over the next few months.

So many good things have come my way in the last few months I have felt very blessed and thankful.
I have been given wonderful opportunities but I most certainly will not be taking them for granted as I am fully aware they only arose through hard work, determination and divine timing.

Let's start with Powis.

Over the spring and summer I attended a total of 16 interviews with the National Trust and English Heritage. I applied for 3 times that many jobs with local authorities, heritage groups, museums etc. After each rejection of 'your interview was great and we really liked you but you don't have the experience' I really was beginning to despair. I really couldn't understand why door's weren't opening for me. Depsite having no work experience I had relevant qualifications and plenty of voluntary experience in the relevant sector. As with most people trying to start on the career ladder you end up in a hopeless circle of never been able to gain experience because nobody will give you the experience in the first place.
But I thought that surely someone must give me a chance at some point if I could get across my love and passion for history and heritage?
The National Trust in particular is THE company I have wanted to work for. Before and during my heritage management studies they have inspired me and driven me to want to make MY contribution to the heritage sector. Their hard work is amazing and their contribution to the future of heritage extremely significant.
Being rejected by them 16 times was disheartening and upsetting.
But again in hindsight, I was not 100% about any of the roles, they would have just been that first foothold into the sector and possibly not completely what I wanted or needed.

After a few weeks of no jobs coming up on the website and of thinking I have missed all opportunities this year again, a job was advertised at Powis Castle in July. I remembered visiting frequently as a child, it had always been a mystical, far away castle hidden in the mountains and was almost fairytale-ish in my memory. The job description sounded interesting, I wasn't 100% sure, but in hindsight that was down to self-doubt and dampened confidence. It felt really like the last desperate attempt before completely giving up. I began to complete the application, but left it a few days because I was convinced I was not capable of being successful in any job. (I was also manically completely my JWAAD teacher training assignments at the same time, and the application was almost forgotten).

But after a few days of pushing myself to complete the application I went online to send it off. Much to my horror I couldn't find the job on the website, it seemed to have disappeared. PANIC would be an understatement, I remember running to my mum in tears fretting that I had missed it. She reassured me that it was probably too far anyway, did I really want to travel that distance and that if I really did maybe I should phone and ask if I could still apply. More than a few hours later and what I think was about 2am on the day of closing I found the job again and speedily applied. I knew then that I really wanted to apply, that I had to apply, that I was meant to apply.

A few days later I received a phone call from Powis asking me to go to an interview :)
My teacher training assignments and deadlines, social life, eating, sleeping were promptly forgotten and I spent a determined week working my butt off but thoroughly enjoying creating a powerpoint and presentation on 'What makes a good garden talk'. Never have a enjoyed a interview prep so much.
I knew that what I had done was really good, not because of arrogance but because it was what I had spent the last year researching in my Postgrad heritage management, the question really interested me, and excellent interpretation and visitor service, care and engagement is what I am really passionate about.
And here I must say a thanks to Trish for invaluable time spent listening to me go through my talk and the 10001 reasons I wanted the job :) I could never express my gratitude enough :)

So interview time. It was funnily enough on my birthday. I joked with everyone that they had to give me the job because they could not make me cry on my birthday. I wasn't really joking, I was quite serious.
That I really wanted the job was confirmed when I got there, my heart melted when I arrived at the castle (as it does everytime I go now) and my interviewers (now my managers) were so lovely and friendly. The castle and the team felt homely and unlike the other National Trust properties and interviews I had been to, it just felt right to be there.
I really gave my all at the interview, I can  honestly say it was the best interview I have ever had and thankfully I think that came across because the next time I was offered the job. Thankfully I did not weep down the phone, not a great way to start is it?
The butterflies in my stomach turned to jumbo moths but mixed with excitement was the typical combination of fear and doubt.

I was strangely enough scared to leave the job I hated and had cried myself to work to for last two years because it was comfy and so much change had happened recently I was more than aware that change was not always easy and often painful before it becomes for the better.

I was also worried about the distance. It is only 39 miles and silly I know but driving is like marmite, I hate it. I have an (irrational or justified) fear of crashing. I knew however that this opportunity was meant to be and I just had to get over my silly little death by driving fear for the sake of my happiness. I still hate driving 5 mins down the road and avoid it when I can, but Powis I would drive 3 times a day knowing where I will be when I get to the end of the journey :)

I was also filled with self-doubt and punishing thoughts of my inadequacy. Would I just embarrass myself? Make a poor attempt at trying and fail? Would others think I was a fraud and would I let the team down. In truth those thoughts are still there at the back of my mind, I am still worried I am not good enough and it always surprises me when I do something well. I can't imagine those thoughts will leave completely but as Eleanor Roosevelt said

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (1884 - 1962)
    

In hindsight, I am glad and thankful that I was led to this door and that this door opened for me. Since the beginning I have fallen head over heals for Powis Castle. With three weeks left of my contract my heart is tearing a little bit at the thought of leaving. It truely brings me joy to be in such a beautiful location, with such a lovely, friendly, supportive team and to be able to love and give my all to my job role.

Being a visitor experience assistant has strangely enough also giving me some thinking time career wise. I thought that I would want to work behinds the scene planning and organising events. That wish is still there but I am realising more and more how I thoroughly enjoying being on the front lines and actively engaging with people not computers and paper.
It is also lovely to be outside, I have always found it costraphobic being indoors for too long. My soul needs the wind, clouds and trees. I didn't ever think I would be able to combine a job in history with a job outdoors, but all my boxes are ticked!
Also those that know me will know that I could talk about history non-stop. From gushing appeals of the utter wounderfulness of William Marshal to maybe a rather feminist viewpoint of the inspiring and strong willed women who had had an impact on the world, to 13th century underwear washing. Sadly at Powis I don't to gush about William Marshal (nor, more sadly, about his medieval underwear hehe). I do however get to talk, and talk, and talk about history :D
I have thoroughly enjoyed engaging with people, discussing history with them, answering their questions  and being witness to their curiosity and questions and seeing first hand that moment your heart stops for a second when you see THAT historic object.
I have had the opportunity to contribute to their experience of history and heritage first hand and I hope have played a part in their lasting memory of the castle.
 . . . Even if that lasting memory is of that weird girl who led the tour and got so seriously over excited about that prayer book that she forgot who and where she was.

Most importantly I think I have significantly contributed to survival rates of bugs, insects and worms while waiting to give my talks ;)




6 months ago I did not think I would be where I am now.
Trish (what would I do without you in my life?) asked me in June to write myself a letter to be opened on my birthday this year. I read it a few hours before Powis phoned to let me know I had the job.
In the letter I wrote
' . . . So you have just been for another interview with the National Trust. Did you get it? How did it go? By now you should have found a heritage job! but don't be dissappointed if you haven't though.
“She kept swimming out into life because she hadn't yet found a rock to stand on.”
― Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams. When you find that rock, it is going to be a lovely rock. A wonderful, shiny rock that will be amazingly comfy to sit on and have great views! Definately worth all that swimming.'


I was definately right about the great views!!!!



So to finish, another quote from Barbara Kingsolver:

“What keeps you going isn't some fine destination but just the road you're on, and the fact that you know how to drive. You keep your eyes open, you see this damned-to-hell world you got born into, and you ask yourself, 'What life can I live that will let me breathe in & out and love somebody or something and not run off screaming into the woods?”
― Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams


So with 3 weeks left working at Powis I am feeling grateful and blessed but not entirely sure what will happen next. Hopefully I will return to Powis next year but I can be more than content for now in the fact that my road has recently taken a magical twist, helped me understand better how I would like to drive, I have found and been somewhere I have loved and any running around screaming in the woods have been for the pure joy of it not because I have finally lost it.

  


    

  
 

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

This blog entry is just some recent thoughts on a discussion I had with a close friend during a car journey.


The discussion followed on from a dear and close friend's wedding. This friend has been there for me through an awful lot and I am thankful that I was lucky enough to meet her. In the woman that she has become she is inspirational and it brought me joy to see her truely happy :) To me she has always been beautiful but on her wedding day her inner light shone so bright it was dazzling.

Now I remember in high school that this same friend drew a picture of how she saw herself, with frizzy hair, spots, big feet etc. It was a drawing that focused on the negative rather than the positive. Then I found it hard to understand that her obvious beauty was not obvious to her. Fast forward 6 years and she stands confidently glowing on her wedding day, able to accept the unconditional love of another. I find like a proud mother :)


On the way home another close friend told me she did not feel beautiful nor thought she looked beautiful. That she said this has troubled me since and so I want to share something.

- I was both astonished that she genuinely thought this and I was also sad that I was not suprised that she thought this.

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I was not surpised she thought she wasn't beautiful because lets face a part of us all of us thinks that we are ugly. And this is the fustrating part, how dare this nagging little negative voice even exist!

From my personal observations of little negative voice, here are some things I struggle with and some things I want you to battle with me against:

1)  Compliments are just made by nice people being nice arent they?

I don't think I am alone when I say that I find compliments really awkward. I'm never quite sure how to accept them and I normally explain the compliment to myself by thinking that the person is just being nice.
But if I flip it on its head and see the compliment from the givers perspective things change.

I have recently made a pledge to share my positive thoughts with people. Too many times have a kept things to myself and I have been left wondering did .... Did that person know what they said/did, has inspired/moved me/made me think? Do they know that I admired that decision or action? Did they know how beautiful/happy/confident they looked? Do they know I learnt something from them?
I think in this case sometimes we can underestimate the power of communication.

Unless you tell that person, no, they wont know.

And it can be also be fustrating when someone doesn't accept your compliment! Nothing is more heartbreaking than seeing a friend put themselves down when you can she what they think isn't true.

We need to learn to accept compliments. Yes that person is nice and is probably being nice, but that is only one slice of the cake. You and I need to accept that many compliments are genuine.  
 It can also help our personal development to know what we do well from even a career/skill development perspective as well. So we should try to accept compliments and take them as truth not a mere flattery.

This leads me onto my next point,

2)  Fear of arrogance

One reason I hate compliments is that I worry that if I accept them they will go to my head. I am terrified of being arrogant.

I'm starting to see however that there is not a fine line between humility and arrogance but quite a huge gap and it is a conscince move when you choose to bridge that gap.

It is not arrogance when you accept a compliment from someone, it a genuine act of thankfulness and a small win in the battle against self-sabotage.

Allow yourself to accept your positives and know that it is ok to see yourself in a positive light. Do not waste your talents because you don't think you're not good enough. That person has complimented you for a reason so respect yourself enough to let yourself recieve some self-appreciation for a change :)  


You might think Pantene adverts are cheesy but you are worth it!!! You are worth alot more than what that little negative voice tells you you are.

Talking of pantene, that leads onto my next point . . .



3) Social media

This is a bugbear of mine and please forgive me If I rant.

(On a side note, I just looked up bugbear to see how to spell it and the bugbear 'is a creature or type of hobgoblin comparable to the bogeyman.' Sooo maybe that is the wrong spelling . . . :S)

That lady on the pantene advert? Please don't compare yourself to her.
I am guilty of this, admiring other women and thinking oh I wish I looked like her/was a successful as her/had was she has. *ALARM BELLS*

Those women are not you, you are not them.
You are unique, amazing and special.
Yuck am I talking in cliche's again? (I seem to like them in my blogs)
I am, my dear,because this one is true.

Rant:
Facebook especially is a killer for self-confidence and self-appreciation.
Facebook stalking, status updates, picture selection, well basically the whole site, is a small pin-prick of what others have chosen for you to see about their life.
 
So I just posted that I was seriously angry about someone that wronged me? That does not mean I sat at home all day, didnt eat, wept into my pillow and thought God had forsaken me. I made a comment about something small that happened in my day. Significant enough to mention but in the large perspective of things it is only a tiny annoying spec of, and not a reflection on my 'life' as that specific time. No I got on with living my life in the real world and did a few hundred things you'll never know about that day.

The point being when you compare your life to someones profile page you are just beating yourself up over nothing. Because someone posted that are amazingly happy that day and super dooper lovely dovery bf/gf/or even their dog, it does not mean your life sucks :S I'm sure they go through poo like you too, they have just not chosen not share it.  

So even though, now and again we need to rant and share, please get off facebook and go change the world. I don't want to know you picked your nose half an hour ago and I want to see you in real life and support your campaign to become prime minister dear friend :D


Remember also that you are so much more than just physical appearance.

So you went out without make up, your confidence sank and you envied the 'natural' good looks of others?
YOU have dreams, aspirations, a heart, a soul. Don't treat yourself like a piece of meat, that has nothing below the surface!

No eyeliner? your eyes still sparkled when you talked to about your passions :)
No foundation? your skin still glowed when you were laughing with your friends :)
Messy hair? It really doesnt look messy, you were born with that hair, it naturally suits you! :)

Think back to the 3rd February, 25th March, April 17th. What did you do on that day? What was happening around then?
Ok, now do you remember what you looked like on that day? I imagine not, but im sure you spent time worrying about it then?

This is not an anti-make up campaign! you can wear it if you like, you can make yourself look even more beautiful than you are! Just do remember that how you look isn't everything.


4) Expectations

Social media I believe also makes us put expectations on our self. As again does that little negative voice. We expect many things of ourselves, often when we shouldn't.

A roman solider told me last night (yes really a real life roman solider) that we are now a culture of what we want, not what we need. We look at other's lives with hungry eyes, building up an idea of what we want but we need to take a step back and think about what is right for us? What do we truely need?

Maybe that green eyes monster just crops up and ok it will, we are human but it isnt fair on ourself or the other person, to expect that our lives to be exactly like the life of another. That other person's life has had ups and downs and they wouldn't be who they are without both. You can't look longingly at their ups because they only got up there after climbing up their own personal hill. No two experiences will ever be the same.

Likewise we shouldn't expect things to happen to us that have happened to others. You cannot have someone else's happy moments, you need to make your own. You will find your own happiness in a different way or on a different path.
   


5) Sisterhood

Some of those expectations came from social expectations that we should all marry, have babies, a home, a successful well paid job etc. Although for the majority that does seem to be the natural process of life, how, why, when it happens is unique to us all.

During the how/when/why of another we can share and celebrate their happiness and in return they will be joyful for us during our happy times.
  
As part of the female community we can support each other in our growth and development. Competiveness is ugly. Jealously eats you up from the inside.

To each other we can give each other wonderful gifts.
We can:
1) See the beauty in each other, celebrate it and be proud of your sister's positive attributes.
2) See our own beauty. Being happy with oneself can inspire others to love themselves as well. Also in recognising our own beautiful nature and being we can better understand the unique contribution that we can make to the sisterhood and to society.
3) We can be a standard bearer for the celebration of women.


We can also stop being so hard on ourselves, instead you can give yourself a theoretical hug. 


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My mum has always told me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She was told this by someone when she my age and she said it gave her hope and helped her to appreciate herself. She was encouraged to accept how special she was. So now I want to encourage you to accept how special you are.

Yes someone will/or does behold you as beautiful beyond comparison.
But I also think that we all need to take some time to behold ourselves as beautiful :)

Yes this does mean to recognise and appreciate your physical attributes but dont judge yourself or limit your worthiness to your looks alone.

You have your own personal power of choice. Self-appreciation is hard but can choose not to let little negative voice under value the contribution you can make.

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 Most of all this blog is for my friends, I hope it counts for something that I think you are beautiful. If I could make you see your shining moments from my point of view I hope I could show you why I admire, respect and love you. I would share them with you not because I am being nice, nor because I am biased, nor because I hope you will return the compliment but because you are worthy of appreciation and celebration. 

reflection, renewal, resolution

As I started last year's posts with talking about cliche's, I am going to end it with one and make a very long list of the good, the bad and the ugly of last year (also how many far too used phrases can I get in this post? haha)


2012 has so many endings for me I think 2013 will truely be a new chapter.

Two bad and ugly things happended in my life last year; My fiance left me and my Nan died

Because of them I felt scared, hurt, anger, regret, confusion, loneliness, vulnerability, hopelessness and worthlessness

But despite the enormity of the bad, the good has far outweighed the bad and if I had dwelled on the bad I could very well have not seen these good things happen.

I have finished and passed with a 2:1 my Post-Graduate Diploma in Heritage Management
I have begun an internship with the National Trust at Penrhyn Castle
I have bought my very first car haha
I have started to learn how to play the tabla
I took the plunge and booked to go to Africa Autumn 2013
I have danced from the heart and let my soul dictate the rhythmn; I have danced for pure joy of it not because I feel I have to or because I have something to prove to others
I have learnt trust, peace and to surrender and release my life and my troubles.

(On a side note I grew really impressive mangetout this year which I am really proud of hahaha)


Strange thing is is that I dont feel like I have changed, just that I am now me more than ever. Whereas before i was held down because I didnt feel 'me' was good enough and I tried too hard fighting to be worthy. Longing for and being jealous other people's happiness really eats at the soul and makes you your own worst critic. I wanted to be happy so much that I tried to force it, which left me more unhappy when things didnt happen how I thought I wanted them to.


I can honestly say that over the past few years I have sometimes asked why me/my mum when bad things have continued to happen again and again and again but I now trust they were for the best and in reflection if things had stayed as they were I don't think I would be happy and in some ways things are better.

Because of going through the bad I have learnt my own value, got to know myself alot better and experienced personal freedom

I am still aware of the lack of control over my life, that things will happen that I cannot control and I still dont like it but I have find a renewed trust that things will be just as they are meant to be.

I am still learning patience that things will happen when they are meant to happen. This has been the most difficult lesson, accepting thats things don't happen when I want them to, or how I am want them to. I don't think I will ever completely master patience but I hope I can always try even If I do have the remind myself quite frequently to stop thinking and let things be.


2012 has felt like i have taken a huge and exhausting step 2 of 32 on a very long life journey of learning and experience



So 2013?
I am not going to hope for two much but just let things happen. Last January I had a list of things I felt I had to accomplish. This year I am just going to sit back and enjoy the ride (with my fingers crossed and maybe take time for a few daydreams) Stop applying undue pressure on myself is a good new years resolution I think ... If I was going to make one . . . which this year I'm not . . .let's just see what happens instead :)

N.T Internship Day 1

Last Thursday I started my intership at Penrhyn Castle. Think my official title is along the lines of Community Involvement Intern :)

I was lucky enough to be offered the role in September this year following an interview for an internship. I was intially scared at the thought of applying for something that would be another big change in my life and a new beginning, as this year has had so many that have all been rollar coaster rides. Also Bangor has alot of bad as well as good memories for me. However, I did not hesitate to say yes when the position was actually offered. I think some inner instinct must have kicked, which I'm glad of! If I had had time to think I porbably wouldn't have jumped in the deep end.
It might sound corny but I have for a long time dreamt about working for the National Trust. I long to have the opportunity to ignite in others the same love that I have for history, and heritage properties; and help preserve them both for future generations and explore the ways in which history can be presented to the general public. It can be daunting to take that leap and chase a dream but its definately worth it when you drive up to a castle, stunningly set against the snowdonian mountains and your heart skips a beat because you can call the place work :)


One of my earliest memories of a heritage property is of Penrhyn Castle
When I was about 8 years old I attended an event at the property during the summer. The event was Alice in Wonderland themed with picnics, life size characters, storytelling, Victorian games and re-enactors.
The day was magical where I seemed to walk through a fairytale and I remember begin so excited that I wanted to stay rather than go home with my parents. I believe this memory stands out in my mind because because I left in awe and wonder of the magnifiance of the castle. This memeory was probably one of the many that contributed to my dream of living in a castle.
I will still have to make do with working in one for now but you never know . . .


  Because of my love for history it is hard to believe when people tell me they aren't interested in histroy or that history is boring (Although to be honest I have't found many people who don't have some interest). However it is normally easy to understand as most people have tales of horrible or just plain boring history teachers or have suffered froma World War 1 and 2 overkill in school where the rest of history is neglected or seen as less important.

From my own personal experience I always thoroughly enjoyed school trips and remember what I learnt on them, I couldn't say the same for my classes. I can honestly say visiting Caegwrle Castle during my GCSE coursework was a turning point in my life. I blame those visits for my obsession with castles and medieval queens. I was encouraged to imagine the castle as it was, to rflect on the lives of the workers who built the castle and its royal occupants. I think I entered a dream world there which I find it very hard to escape from :)

Being forced to read a text- book and copy what was written never inspired me like planning my escape from a castle dungeon and managing to scale half way up the wall (I definately would have escaped if they had let me!)

I am very passionate about supporting the education of young people and I strongly believe that more can be learnt outside the classroom than in it. In a classroom history cannot be smelt, felt, heard, lived like it can be when you are actually in an historic location. History needs to be felt and touched.

Ok maybe I have gone of an a tagent, I will get to my point :)


  One of the reasons I am so excited about this internship at Penrhyn Castle is that I will have the opportunity to reach out the childrena and young adults and encourage them to become a part of the National Trust, give them a sense of belonging to their local and national history. Penrhyn should not just be a castle but should be their castle.
My role will involve organising events for the local youth population to be involved in. This age group is normally one that I feel is neglected by the heritage sector in favour of children and families. Hopefully I can in some way other them an opportunity to experience history and leave a long lasting impression (preferably a good one).



During just one day with the learning team at Penrhyn I learnt so much. I could see the passion and enthusaism of the staff, I could see the strength of team that worked together with determination and how hard they actually work behind the scenes and also the huge responsiblity that they have.
 The castle was full of people that love where they are and what they do and were each valued for their contribution. I left even more inspired to be a part of the national trust and I am extremely excited to go back tomorrow for day 2 :D

Ever the optimist

 

 

 

Iceberg

While talking to my minister a few weeks ago he told me how human beings are like icebergs. What he said really inspired me and brought a re-newed sense of peace and focus so let me share what he said.


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Like an iceberg our strength lies in our core; the outer layers will become chipped and battered by the ocean but a strong core enables us to take all the battering

It is therefore this core of ourselves that is most valuable and needs to be tenderly looked after in order to face all that threatens to ware us away.

We do then need to take time to look after our inner spiritual strength. During times of hurt and loss and it can be the one thing that takes the harshest attack but is also the only part that can get us through it. It is this part of us where hope, love and faith lie.



~

Those of you who know me will know the last year have been one of the most difficult of my life but it was has also been a time of renewal and deep inner reflection. I have come out of the end stronger and knowing myself alot better. I have spent alot of time reflecting on the differences between what I want and what I truely need. I have, in effect, given my inner core a good hug and I can feel it glowing and burning alot healthier inside. I now feel more confident and able to let it shine.

I have realised more and more how important it is to take care of and let this inner glow shine through. After all, only one-fifth of an iceberg is seen above the surface and likewise only a small percentage of what is us is shown in our appearance.
The average person spends 1 hour 14minutes grooming themselves and adjusting their physical appearance everyday; how many spend time to rest, reflect, talk to themselves and give some time to the four-fifths of us below the surface?    


  
I tried to roughly sketch this how it came to my mind while Rev. K was talking :)

 

 

I am also going to include in this blog a picture I found that I drew as a self portrait as few years ago. Its not a sketch I drew to be physically accurate (that I really couldn't do!!) but it was more symbolic of a few different aspects of me.

I would probably add a few more things now . . . in fact I  might re-draw it as the me i know now :)

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~

 

Would really like to hear others reflections on this :)