Hindsight from the castle

To be honest, I am quite enjoying reading other peoples blogs and I'm becoming a bit lazy with my own!
It fills me with happiness to be reading the positive thoughts and affirmations of my friends in their blogs and it is nice to take time out to be thankful for the good in their lives :)

Another excuse is that so many things have happened the last few months I just haven't had the time but I will make an effort over the next few months.

So many good things have come my way in the last few months I have felt very blessed and thankful.
I have been given wonderful opportunities but I most certainly will not be taking them for granted as I am fully aware they only arose through hard work, determination and divine timing.

Let's start with Powis.

Over the spring and summer I attended a total of 16 interviews with the National Trust and English Heritage. I applied for 3 times that many jobs with local authorities, heritage groups, museums etc. After each rejection of 'your interview was great and we really liked you but you don't have the experience' I really was beginning to despair. I really couldn't understand why door's weren't opening for me. Depsite having no work experience I had relevant qualifications and plenty of voluntary experience in the relevant sector. As with most people trying to start on the career ladder you end up in a hopeless circle of never been able to gain experience because nobody will give you the experience in the first place.
But I thought that surely someone must give me a chance at some point if I could get across my love and passion for history and heritage?
The National Trust in particular is THE company I have wanted to work for. Before and during my heritage management studies they have inspired me and driven me to want to make MY contribution to the heritage sector. Their hard work is amazing and their contribution to the future of heritage extremely significant.
Being rejected by them 16 times was disheartening and upsetting.
But again in hindsight, I was not 100% about any of the roles, they would have just been that first foothold into the sector and possibly not completely what I wanted or needed.

After a few weeks of no jobs coming up on the website and of thinking I have missed all opportunities this year again, a job was advertised at Powis Castle in July. I remembered visiting frequently as a child, it had always been a mystical, far away castle hidden in the mountains and was almost fairytale-ish in my memory. The job description sounded interesting, I wasn't 100% sure, but in hindsight that was down to self-doubt and dampened confidence. It felt really like the last desperate attempt before completely giving up. I began to complete the application, but left it a few days because I was convinced I was not capable of being successful in any job. (I was also manically completely my JWAAD teacher training assignments at the same time, and the application was almost forgotten).

But after a few days of pushing myself to complete the application I went online to send it off. Much to my horror I couldn't find the job on the website, it seemed to have disappeared. PANIC would be an understatement, I remember running to my mum in tears fretting that I had missed it. She reassured me that it was probably too far anyway, did I really want to travel that distance and that if I really did maybe I should phone and ask if I could still apply. More than a few hours later and what I think was about 2am on the day of closing I found the job again and speedily applied. I knew then that I really wanted to apply, that I had to apply, that I was meant to apply.

A few days later I received a phone call from Powis asking me to go to an interview :)
My teacher training assignments and deadlines, social life, eating, sleeping were promptly forgotten and I spent a determined week working my butt off but thoroughly enjoying creating a powerpoint and presentation on 'What makes a good garden talk'. Never have a enjoyed a interview prep so much.
I knew that what I had done was really good, not because of arrogance but because it was what I had spent the last year researching in my Postgrad heritage management, the question really interested me, and excellent interpretation and visitor service, care and engagement is what I am really passionate about.
And here I must say a thanks to Trish for invaluable time spent listening to me go through my talk and the 10001 reasons I wanted the job :) I could never express my gratitude enough :)

So interview time. It was funnily enough on my birthday. I joked with everyone that they had to give me the job because they could not make me cry on my birthday. I wasn't really joking, I was quite serious.
That I really wanted the job was confirmed when I got there, my heart melted when I arrived at the castle (as it does everytime I go now) and my interviewers (now my managers) were so lovely and friendly. The castle and the team felt homely and unlike the other National Trust properties and interviews I had been to, it just felt right to be there.
I really gave my all at the interview, I can  honestly say it was the best interview I have ever had and thankfully I think that came across because the next time I was offered the job. Thankfully I did not weep down the phone, not a great way to start is it?
The butterflies in my stomach turned to jumbo moths but mixed with excitement was the typical combination of fear and doubt.

I was strangely enough scared to leave the job I hated and had cried myself to work to for last two years because it was comfy and so much change had happened recently I was more than aware that change was not always easy and often painful before it becomes for the better.

I was also worried about the distance. It is only 39 miles and silly I know but driving is like marmite, I hate it. I have an (irrational or justified) fear of crashing. I knew however that this opportunity was meant to be and I just had to get over my silly little death by driving fear for the sake of my happiness. I still hate driving 5 mins down the road and avoid it when I can, but Powis I would drive 3 times a day knowing where I will be when I get to the end of the journey :)

I was also filled with self-doubt and punishing thoughts of my inadequacy. Would I just embarrass myself? Make a poor attempt at trying and fail? Would others think I was a fraud and would I let the team down. In truth those thoughts are still there at the back of my mind, I am still worried I am not good enough and it always surprises me when I do something well. I can't imagine those thoughts will leave completely but as Eleanor Roosevelt said

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
- Eleanor Roosevelt (1884 - 1962)
    

In hindsight, I am glad and thankful that I was led to this door and that this door opened for me. Since the beginning I have fallen head over heals for Powis Castle. With three weeks left of my contract my heart is tearing a little bit at the thought of leaving. It truely brings me joy to be in such a beautiful location, with such a lovely, friendly, supportive team and to be able to love and give my all to my job role.

Being a visitor experience assistant has strangely enough also giving me some thinking time career wise. I thought that I would want to work behinds the scene planning and organising events. That wish is still there but I am realising more and more how I thoroughly enjoying being on the front lines and actively engaging with people not computers and paper.
It is also lovely to be outside, I have always found it costraphobic being indoors for too long. My soul needs the wind, clouds and trees. I didn't ever think I would be able to combine a job in history with a job outdoors, but all my boxes are ticked!
Also those that know me will know that I could talk about history non-stop. From gushing appeals of the utter wounderfulness of William Marshal to maybe a rather feminist viewpoint of the inspiring and strong willed women who had had an impact on the world, to 13th century underwear washing. Sadly at Powis I don't to gush about William Marshal (nor, more sadly, about his medieval underwear hehe). I do however get to talk, and talk, and talk about history :D
I have thoroughly enjoyed engaging with people, discussing history with them, answering their questions  and being witness to their curiosity and questions and seeing first hand that moment your heart stops for a second when you see THAT historic object.
I have had the opportunity to contribute to their experience of history and heritage first hand and I hope have played a part in their lasting memory of the castle.
 . . . Even if that lasting memory is of that weird girl who led the tour and got so seriously over excited about that prayer book that she forgot who and where she was.

Most importantly I think I have significantly contributed to survival rates of bugs, insects and worms while waiting to give my talks ;)




6 months ago I did not think I would be where I am now.
Trish (what would I do without you in my life?) asked me in June to write myself a letter to be opened on my birthday this year. I read it a few hours before Powis phoned to let me know I had the job.
In the letter I wrote
' . . . So you have just been for another interview with the National Trust. Did you get it? How did it go? By now you should have found a heritage job! but don't be dissappointed if you haven't though.
“She kept swimming out into life because she hadn't yet found a rock to stand on.”
― Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams. When you find that rock, it is going to be a lovely rock. A wonderful, shiny rock that will be amazingly comfy to sit on and have great views! Definately worth all that swimming.'


I was definately right about the great views!!!!



So to finish, another quote from Barbara Kingsolver:

“What keeps you going isn't some fine destination but just the road you're on, and the fact that you know how to drive. You keep your eyes open, you see this damned-to-hell world you got born into, and you ask yourself, 'What life can I live that will let me breathe in & out and love somebody or something and not run off screaming into the woods?”
― Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams


So with 3 weeks left working at Powis I am feeling grateful and blessed but not entirely sure what will happen next. Hopefully I will return to Powis next year but I can be more than content for now in the fact that my road has recently taken a magical twist, helped me understand better how I would like to drive, I have found and been somewhere I have loved and any running around screaming in the woods have been for the pure joy of it not because I have finally lost it.

  


    

  
 

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

This blog entry is just some recent thoughts on a discussion I had with a close friend during a car journey.


The discussion followed on from a dear and close friend's wedding. This friend has been there for me through an awful lot and I am thankful that I was lucky enough to meet her. In the woman that she has become she is inspirational and it brought me joy to see her truely happy :) To me she has always been beautiful but on her wedding day her inner light shone so bright it was dazzling.

Now I remember in high school that this same friend drew a picture of how she saw herself, with frizzy hair, spots, big feet etc. It was a drawing that focused on the negative rather than the positive. Then I found it hard to understand that her obvious beauty was not obvious to her. Fast forward 6 years and she stands confidently glowing on her wedding day, able to accept the unconditional love of another. I find like a proud mother :)


On the way home another close friend told me she did not feel beautiful nor thought she looked beautiful. That she said this has troubled me since and so I want to share something.

- I was both astonished that she genuinely thought this and I was also sad that I was not suprised that she thought this.

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I was not surpised she thought she wasn't beautiful because lets face a part of us all of us thinks that we are ugly. And this is the fustrating part, how dare this nagging little negative voice even exist!

From my personal observations of little negative voice, here are some things I struggle with and some things I want you to battle with me against:

1)  Compliments are just made by nice people being nice arent they?

I don't think I am alone when I say that I find compliments really awkward. I'm never quite sure how to accept them and I normally explain the compliment to myself by thinking that the person is just being nice.
But if I flip it on its head and see the compliment from the givers perspective things change.

I have recently made a pledge to share my positive thoughts with people. Too many times have a kept things to myself and I have been left wondering did .... Did that person know what they said/did, has inspired/moved me/made me think? Do they know that I admired that decision or action? Did they know how beautiful/happy/confident they looked? Do they know I learnt something from them?
I think in this case sometimes we can underestimate the power of communication.

Unless you tell that person, no, they wont know.

And it can be also be fustrating when someone doesn't accept your compliment! Nothing is more heartbreaking than seeing a friend put themselves down when you can she what they think isn't true.

We need to learn to accept compliments. Yes that person is nice and is probably being nice, but that is only one slice of the cake. You and I need to accept that many compliments are genuine.  
 It can also help our personal development to know what we do well from even a career/skill development perspective as well. So we should try to accept compliments and take them as truth not a mere flattery.

This leads me onto my next point,

2)  Fear of arrogance

One reason I hate compliments is that I worry that if I accept them they will go to my head. I am terrified of being arrogant.

I'm starting to see however that there is not a fine line between humility and arrogance but quite a huge gap and it is a conscince move when you choose to bridge that gap.

It is not arrogance when you accept a compliment from someone, it a genuine act of thankfulness and a small win in the battle against self-sabotage.

Allow yourself to accept your positives and know that it is ok to see yourself in a positive light. Do not waste your talents because you don't think you're not good enough. That person has complimented you for a reason so respect yourself enough to let yourself recieve some self-appreciation for a change :)  


You might think Pantene adverts are cheesy but you are worth it!!! You are worth alot more than what that little negative voice tells you you are.

Talking of pantene, that leads onto my next point . . .



3) Social media

This is a bugbear of mine and please forgive me If I rant.

(On a side note, I just looked up bugbear to see how to spell it and the bugbear 'is a creature or type of hobgoblin comparable to the bogeyman.' Sooo maybe that is the wrong spelling . . . :S)

That lady on the pantene advert? Please don't compare yourself to her.
I am guilty of this, admiring other women and thinking oh I wish I looked like her/was a successful as her/had was she has. *ALARM BELLS*

Those women are not you, you are not them.
You are unique, amazing and special.
Yuck am I talking in cliche's again? (I seem to like them in my blogs)
I am, my dear,because this one is true.

Rant:
Facebook especially is a killer for self-confidence and self-appreciation.
Facebook stalking, status updates, picture selection, well basically the whole site, is a small pin-prick of what others have chosen for you to see about their life.
 
So I just posted that I was seriously angry about someone that wronged me? That does not mean I sat at home all day, didnt eat, wept into my pillow and thought God had forsaken me. I made a comment about something small that happened in my day. Significant enough to mention but in the large perspective of things it is only a tiny annoying spec of, and not a reflection on my 'life' as that specific time. No I got on with living my life in the real world and did a few hundred things you'll never know about that day.

The point being when you compare your life to someones profile page you are just beating yourself up over nothing. Because someone posted that are amazingly happy that day and super dooper lovely dovery bf/gf/or even their dog, it does not mean your life sucks :S I'm sure they go through poo like you too, they have just not chosen not share it.  

So even though, now and again we need to rant and share, please get off facebook and go change the world. I don't want to know you picked your nose half an hour ago and I want to see you in real life and support your campaign to become prime minister dear friend :D


Remember also that you are so much more than just physical appearance.

So you went out without make up, your confidence sank and you envied the 'natural' good looks of others?
YOU have dreams, aspirations, a heart, a soul. Don't treat yourself like a piece of meat, that has nothing below the surface!

No eyeliner? your eyes still sparkled when you talked to about your passions :)
No foundation? your skin still glowed when you were laughing with your friends :)
Messy hair? It really doesnt look messy, you were born with that hair, it naturally suits you! :)

Think back to the 3rd February, 25th March, April 17th. What did you do on that day? What was happening around then?
Ok, now do you remember what you looked like on that day? I imagine not, but im sure you spent time worrying about it then?

This is not an anti-make up campaign! you can wear it if you like, you can make yourself look even more beautiful than you are! Just do remember that how you look isn't everything.


4) Expectations

Social media I believe also makes us put expectations on our self. As again does that little negative voice. We expect many things of ourselves, often when we shouldn't.

A roman solider told me last night (yes really a real life roman solider) that we are now a culture of what we want, not what we need. We look at other's lives with hungry eyes, building up an idea of what we want but we need to take a step back and think about what is right for us? What do we truely need?

Maybe that green eyes monster just crops up and ok it will, we are human but it isnt fair on ourself or the other person, to expect that our lives to be exactly like the life of another. That other person's life has had ups and downs and they wouldn't be who they are without both. You can't look longingly at their ups because they only got up there after climbing up their own personal hill. No two experiences will ever be the same.

Likewise we shouldn't expect things to happen to us that have happened to others. You cannot have someone else's happy moments, you need to make your own. You will find your own happiness in a different way or on a different path.
   


5) Sisterhood

Some of those expectations came from social expectations that we should all marry, have babies, a home, a successful well paid job etc. Although for the majority that does seem to be the natural process of life, how, why, when it happens is unique to us all.

During the how/when/why of another we can share and celebrate their happiness and in return they will be joyful for us during our happy times.
  
As part of the female community we can support each other in our growth and development. Competiveness is ugly. Jealously eats you up from the inside.

To each other we can give each other wonderful gifts.
We can:
1) See the beauty in each other, celebrate it and be proud of your sister's positive attributes.
2) See our own beauty. Being happy with oneself can inspire others to love themselves as well. Also in recognising our own beautiful nature and being we can better understand the unique contribution that we can make to the sisterhood and to society.
3) We can be a standard bearer for the celebration of women.


We can also stop being so hard on ourselves, instead you can give yourself a theoretical hug. 


~~~~~~~~


My mum has always told me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She was told this by someone when she my age and she said it gave her hope and helped her to appreciate herself. She was encouraged to accept how special she was. So now I want to encourage you to accept how special you are.

Yes someone will/or does behold you as beautiful beyond comparison.
But I also think that we all need to take some time to behold ourselves as beautiful :)

Yes this does mean to recognise and appreciate your physical attributes but dont judge yourself or limit your worthiness to your looks alone.

You have your own personal power of choice. Self-appreciation is hard but can choose not to let little negative voice under value the contribution you can make.

~~~~~~~~~
 
 Most of all this blog is for my friends, I hope it counts for something that I think you are beautiful. If I could make you see your shining moments from my point of view I hope I could show you why I admire, respect and love you. I would share them with you not because I am being nice, nor because I am biased, nor because I hope you will return the compliment but because you are worthy of appreciation and celebration. 

reflection, renewal, resolution

As I started last year's posts with talking about cliche's, I am going to end it with one and make a very long list of the good, the bad and the ugly of last year (also how many far too used phrases can I get in this post? haha)


2012 has so many endings for me I think 2013 will truely be a new chapter.

Two bad and ugly things happended in my life last year; My fiance left me and my Nan died

Because of them I felt scared, hurt, anger, regret, confusion, loneliness, vulnerability, hopelessness and worthlessness

But despite the enormity of the bad, the good has far outweighed the bad and if I had dwelled on the bad I could very well have not seen these good things happen.

I have finished and passed with a 2:1 my Post-Graduate Diploma in Heritage Management
I have begun an internship with the National Trust at Penrhyn Castle
I have bought my very first car haha
I have started to learn how to play the tabla
I took the plunge and booked to go to Africa Autumn 2013
I have danced from the heart and let my soul dictate the rhythmn; I have danced for pure joy of it not because I feel I have to or because I have something to prove to others
I have learnt trust, peace and to surrender and release my life and my troubles.

(On a side note I grew really impressive mangetout this year which I am really proud of hahaha)


Strange thing is is that I dont feel like I have changed, just that I am now me more than ever. Whereas before i was held down because I didnt feel 'me' was good enough and I tried too hard fighting to be worthy. Longing for and being jealous other people's happiness really eats at the soul and makes you your own worst critic. I wanted to be happy so much that I tried to force it, which left me more unhappy when things didnt happen how I thought I wanted them to.


I can honestly say that over the past few years I have sometimes asked why me/my mum when bad things have continued to happen again and again and again but I now trust they were for the best and in reflection if things had stayed as they were I don't think I would be happy and in some ways things are better.

Because of going through the bad I have learnt my own value, got to know myself alot better and experienced personal freedom

I am still aware of the lack of control over my life, that things will happen that I cannot control and I still dont like it but I have find a renewed trust that things will be just as they are meant to be.

I am still learning patience that things will happen when they are meant to happen. This has been the most difficult lesson, accepting thats things don't happen when I want them to, or how I am want them to. I don't think I will ever completely master patience but I hope I can always try even If I do have the remind myself quite frequently to stop thinking and let things be.


2012 has felt like i have taken a huge and exhausting step 2 of 32 on a very long life journey of learning and experience



So 2013?
I am not going to hope for two much but just let things happen. Last January I had a list of things I felt I had to accomplish. This year I am just going to sit back and enjoy the ride (with my fingers crossed and maybe take time for a few daydreams) Stop applying undue pressure on myself is a good new years resolution I think ... If I was going to make one . . . which this year I'm not . . .let's just see what happens instead :)