As I started last year's posts with talking about cliche's, I am going to end it with one and make a very long list of the good, the bad and the ugly of last year (also how many far too used phrases can I get in this post? haha)
2012 has so many endings for me I think 2013 will truely be a new chapter.
Two bad and ugly things happended in my life last year; My fiance left me and my Nan died
Because of them I felt scared, hurt, anger, regret, confusion, loneliness, vulnerability, hopelessness and worthlessness
But despite the enormity of the bad, the good has far outweighed the bad and if I had dwelled on the bad I could very well have not seen these good things happen.
I have finished and passed with a 2:1 my Post-Graduate Diploma in Heritage Management
I have begun an internship with the National Trust at Penrhyn Castle
I have bought my very first car haha
I have started to learn how to play the tabla
I took the plunge and booked to go to Africa Autumn 2013
I have danced from the heart and let my soul dictate the rhythmn; I have danced for pure joy of it not because I feel I have to or because I have something to prove to others
I have learnt trust, peace and to surrender and release my life and my troubles.
(On a side note I grew really impressive mangetout this year which I am really proud of hahaha)
Strange thing is is that I dont feel like I have changed, just that I am now me more than ever. Whereas before i was held down because I didnt feel 'me' was good enough and I tried too hard fighting to be worthy. Longing for and being jealous other people's happiness really eats at the soul and makes you your own worst critic. I wanted to be happy so much that I tried to force it, which left me more unhappy when things didnt happen how I thought I wanted them to.
I can honestly say that over the past few years I have sometimes asked why me/my mum when bad things have continued to happen again and again and again but I now trust they were for the best and in reflection if things had stayed as they were I don't think I would be happy and in some ways things are better.
Because of going through the bad I have learnt my own value, got to know myself alot better and experienced personal freedom
I am still aware of the lack of control over my life, that things will happen that I cannot control and I still dont like it but I have find a renewed trust that things will be just as they are meant to be.
I am still learning patience that things will happen when they are meant to happen. This has been the most difficult lesson, accepting thats things don't happen when I want them to, or how I am want them to. I don't think I will ever completely master patience but I hope I can always try even If I do have the remind myself quite frequently to stop thinking and let things be.
2012 has felt like i have taken a huge and exhausting step 2 of 32 on a very long life journey of learning and experience
So 2013?
I am not going to hope for two much but just let things happen. Last January I had a list of things I felt I had to accomplish. This year I am just going to sit back and enjoy the ride (with my fingers crossed and maybe take time for a few daydreams) Stop applying undue pressure on myself is a good new years resolution I think ... If I was going to make one . . . which this year I'm not . . .let's just see what happens instead :)
