This blog entry is just some recent thoughts on a discussion I had with a close friend during a car journey.
The discussion followed on from a dear and close friend's wedding. This friend has been there for me through an awful lot and I am thankful that I was lucky enough to meet her. In the woman that she has become she is inspirational and it brought me joy to see her truely happy :) To me she has always been beautiful but on her wedding day her inner light shone so bright it was dazzling.
Now I remember in high school that this same friend drew a picture of how she saw herself, with frizzy hair, spots, big feet etc. It was a drawing that focused on the negative rather than the positive. Then I found it hard to understand that her obvious beauty was not obvious to her. Fast forward 6 years and she stands confidently glowing on her wedding day, able to accept the unconditional love of another. I find like a proud mother :)
On the way home another close friend told me she did not feel beautiful nor thought she looked beautiful. That she said this has troubled me since and so I want to share something.
- I was both astonished that she genuinely thought this and I was also sad that I was not suprised that she thought this.
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I was not surpised she thought she wasn't beautiful because lets face a part of us all of us thinks that we are ugly. And this is the fustrating part, how dare this nagging little negative voice even exist!
From my personal observations of little negative voice, here are some things I struggle with and some things I want you to battle with me against:
1) Compliments are just made by nice people being nice arent they?
I don't think I am alone when I say that I find compliments really awkward. I'm never quite sure how to accept them and I normally explain the compliment to myself by thinking that the person is just being nice.
But if I flip it on its head and see the compliment from the givers perspective things change.
I have recently made a pledge to share my positive thoughts with people. Too many times have a kept things to myself and I have been left wondering did .... Did that person know what they said/did, has inspired/moved me/made me think? Do they know that I admired that decision or action? Did they know how beautiful/happy/confident they looked? Do they know I learnt something from them?
I think in this case sometimes we can underestimate the power of communication.
Unless you tell that person, no, they wont know.
And it can be also be fustrating when someone doesn't accept your compliment! Nothing is more heartbreaking than seeing a friend put themselves down when you can she what they think isn't true.
We need to learn to accept compliments. Yes that person is nice and is probably being nice, but that is only one slice of the cake. You and I need to accept that many compliments are genuine.
It can also help our personal development to know what we do well from even a career/skill development perspective as well. So we should try to accept compliments and take them as truth not a mere flattery.
This leads me onto my next point,
2) Fear of arrogance
One reason I hate compliments is that I worry that if I accept them they will go to my head. I am terrified of being arrogant.
I'm starting to see however that there is not a fine line between humility and arrogance but quite a huge gap and it is a conscince move when you choose to bridge that gap.
It is not arrogance when you accept a compliment from someone, it a genuine act of thankfulness and a small win in the battle against self-sabotage.
Allow yourself to accept your positives and know that it is ok to see yourself in a positive light. Do not waste your talents because you don't think you're not good enough. That person has complimented you for a reason so respect yourself enough to let yourself recieve some self-appreciation for a change :)
You might think Pantene adverts are cheesy but you are worth it!!! You are worth alot more than what that little negative voice tells you you are.
Talking of pantene, that leads onto my next point . . .
3) Social media
This is a bugbear of mine and please forgive me If I rant.
(On a side note, I just looked up bugbear to see how to spell it and the bugbear 'is a creature or type of hobgoblin comparable to the bogeyman.' Sooo maybe that is the wrong spelling . . . :S)
That lady on the pantene advert? Please don't compare yourself to her.
I am guilty of this, admiring other women and thinking oh I wish I looked like her/was a successful as her/had was she has. *ALARM BELLS*
Those women are not you, you are not them.
You are unique, amazing and special.
Yuck am I talking in cliche's again? (I seem to like them in my blogs)
I am, my dear,because this one is true.
Rant:
Facebook especially is a killer for self-confidence and self-appreciation.
Facebook stalking, status updates, picture selection, well basically the whole site, is a small pin-prick of what others have chosen for you to see about their life.
So I just posted that I was seriously angry about someone that wronged me? That does not mean I sat at home all day, didnt eat, wept into my pillow and thought God had forsaken me. I made a comment about something small that happened in my day. Significant enough to mention but in the large perspective of things it is only a tiny annoying spec of, and not a reflection on my 'life' as that specific time. No I got on with living my life in the real world and did a few hundred things you'll never know about that day.
The point being when you compare your life to someones profile page you are just beating yourself up over nothing. Because someone posted that are amazingly happy that day and super dooper lovely dovery bf/gf/or even their dog, it does not mean your life sucks :S I'm sure they go through poo like you too, they have just not chosen not share it.
So even though, now and again we need to rant and share, please get off facebook and go change the world. I don't want to know you picked your nose half an hour ago and I want to see you in real life and support your campaign to become prime minister dear friend :D
Remember also that you are so much more than just physical appearance.
So you went out without make up, your confidence sank and you envied the 'natural' good looks of others?
YOU have dreams, aspirations, a heart, a soul. Don't treat yourself like a piece of meat, that has nothing below the surface!
No eyeliner? your eyes still sparkled when you talked to about your passions :)
No foundation? your skin still glowed when you were laughing with your friends :)
Messy hair? It really doesnt look messy, you were born with that hair, it naturally suits you! :)
Think back to the 3rd February, 25th March, April 17th. What did you do on that day? What was happening around then?
Ok, now do you remember what you looked like on that day? I imagine not, but im sure you spent time worrying about it then?
This is not an anti-make up campaign! you can wear it if you like, you can make yourself look even more beautiful than you are! Just do remember that how you look isn't everything.
4) Expectations
Social media I believe also makes us put expectations on our self. As again does that little negative voice. We expect many things of ourselves, often when we shouldn't.
A roman solider told me last night (yes really a real life roman solider) that we are now a culture of what we want, not what we need. We look at other's lives with hungry eyes, building up an idea of what we want but we need to take a step back and think about what is right for us? What do we truely need?
Maybe that green eyes monster just crops up and ok it will, we are human but it isnt fair on ourself or the other person, to expect that our lives to be exactly like the life of another. That other person's life has had ups and downs and they wouldn't be who they are without both. You can't look longingly at their ups because they only got up there after climbing up their own personal hill. No two experiences will ever be the same.
Likewise we shouldn't expect things to happen to us that have happened to others. You cannot have someone else's happy moments, you need to make your own. You will find your own happiness in a different way or on a different path.
5) Sisterhood
Some of those expectations came from social expectations that we should all marry, have babies, a home, a successful well paid job etc. Although for the majority that does seem to be the natural process of life, how, why, when it happens is unique to us all.
During the how/when/why of another we can share and celebrate their happiness and in return they will be joyful for us during our happy times.
As part of the female community we can support each other in our growth and development. Competiveness is ugly. Jealously eats you up from the inside.
To each other we can give each other wonderful gifts.
We can:
1) See the beauty in each other, celebrate it and be proud of your sister's positive attributes.
2) See our own beauty. Being happy with oneself can inspire others to love themselves as well. Also in recognising our own beautiful nature and being we can better understand the unique contribution that we can make to the sisterhood and to society.
3) We can be a standard bearer for the celebration of women.
We can also stop being so hard on ourselves, instead you can give yourself a theoretical hug.
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My mum has always told me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She was told this by someone when she my age and she said it gave her hope and helped her to appreciate herself. She was encouraged to accept how special she was. So now I want to encourage you to accept how special you are.
Yes someone will/or does behold you as beautiful beyond comparison.
But I also think that we all need to take some time to behold ourselves as beautiful :)
Yes this does mean to recognise and appreciate your physical attributes but dont judge yourself or limit your worthiness to your looks alone.
You have your own personal power of choice. Self-appreciation is hard but can choose not to let little negative voice under value the contribution you can make.
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Most of all this blog is for my friends, I hope it counts for something that I think you are beautiful. If I could make you see your shining moments from my point of view I hope I could show you why I admire, respect and love you. I would share them with you not because I am being nice, nor because I am biased, nor because I hope you will return the compliment but because you are worthy of appreciation and celebration.
