It fills me with happiness to be reading the positive thoughts and affirmations of my friends in their blogs and it is nice to take time out to be thankful for the good in their lives :)
Another excuse is that so many things have happened the last few months I just haven't had the time but I will make an effort over the next few months.
So many good things have come my way in the last few months I have felt very blessed and thankful.
I have been given wonderful opportunities but I most certainly will not be taking them for granted as I am fully aware they only arose through hard work, determination and divine timing.
Let's start with Powis.
Over the spring and summer I attended a total of 16 interviews with the National Trust and English Heritage. I applied for 3 times that many jobs with local authorities, heritage groups, museums etc. After each rejection of 'your interview was great and we really liked you but you don't have the experience' I really was beginning to despair. I really couldn't understand why door's weren't opening for me. Depsite having no work experience I had relevant qualifications and plenty of voluntary experience in the relevant sector. As with most people trying to start on the career ladder you end up in a hopeless circle of never been able to gain experience because nobody will give you the experience in the first place.
But I thought that surely someone must give me a chance at some point if I could get across my love and passion for history and heritage?
The National Trust in particular is THE company I have wanted to work for. Before and during my heritage management studies they have inspired me and driven me to want to make MY contribution to the heritage sector. Their hard work is amazing and their contribution to the future of heritage extremely significant.
Being rejected by them 16 times was disheartening and upsetting.
But again in hindsight, I was not 100% about any of the roles, they would have just been that first foothold into the sector and possibly not completely what I wanted or needed.
After a few weeks of no jobs coming up on the website and of thinking I have missed all opportunities this year again, a job was advertised at Powis Castle in July. I remembered visiting frequently as a child, it had always been a mystical, far away castle hidden in the mountains and was almost fairytale-ish in my memory. The job description sounded interesting, I wasn't 100% sure, but in hindsight that was down to self-doubt and dampened confidence. It felt really like the last desperate attempt before completely giving up. I began to complete the application, but left it a few days because I was convinced I was not capable of being successful in any job. (I was also manically completely my JWAAD teacher training assignments at the same time, and the application was almost forgotten).
But after a few days of pushing myself to complete the application I went online to send it off. Much to my horror I couldn't find the job on the website, it seemed to have disappeared. PANIC would be an understatement, I remember running to my mum in tears fretting that I had missed it. She reassured me that it was probably too far anyway, did I really want to travel that distance and that if I really did maybe I should phone and ask if I could still apply. More than a few hours later and what I think was about 2am on the day of closing I found the job again and speedily applied. I knew then that I really wanted to apply, that I had to apply, that I was meant to apply.
A few days later I received a phone call from Powis asking me to go to an interview :)
My teacher training assignments and deadlines, social life, eating, sleeping were promptly forgotten and I spent a determined week working my butt off but thoroughly enjoying creating a powerpoint and presentation on 'What makes a good garden talk'. Never have a enjoyed a interview prep so much.
I knew that what I had done was really good, not because of arrogance but because it was what I had spent the last year researching in my Postgrad heritage management, the question really interested me, and excellent interpretation and visitor service, care and engagement is what I am really passionate about.
And here I must say a thanks to Trish for invaluable time spent listening to me go through my talk and the 10001 reasons I wanted the job :) I could never express my gratitude enough :)
So interview time. It was funnily enough on my birthday. I joked with everyone that they had to give me the job because they could not make me cry on my birthday. I wasn't really joking, I was quite serious.
That I really wanted the job was confirmed when I got there, my heart melted when I arrived at the castle (as it does everytime I go now) and my interviewers (now my managers) were so lovely and friendly. The castle and the team felt homely and unlike the other National Trust properties and interviews I had been to, it just felt right to be there.
I really gave my all at the interview, I can honestly say it was the best interview I have ever had and thankfully I think that came across because the next time I was offered the job. Thankfully I did not weep down the phone, not a great way to start is it?
The butterflies in my stomach turned to jumbo moths but mixed with excitement was the typical combination of fear and doubt.
I was strangely enough scared to leave the job I hated and had cried myself to work to for last two years because it was comfy and so much change had happened recently I was more than aware that change was not always easy and often painful before it becomes for the better.
I was also worried about the distance. It is only 39 miles and silly I know but driving is like marmite, I hate it. I have an (irrational or justified) fear of crashing. I knew however that this opportunity was meant to be and I just had to get over my silly little death by driving fear for the sake of my happiness. I still hate driving 5 mins down the road and avoid it when I can, but Powis I would drive 3 times a day knowing where I will be when I get to the end of the journey :)
I was also filled with self-doubt and punishing thoughts of my inadequacy. Would I just embarrass myself? Make a poor attempt at trying and fail? Would others think I was a fraud and would I let the team down. In truth those thoughts are still there at the back of my mind, I am still worried I am not good enough and it always surprises me when I do something well. I can't imagine those thoughts will leave completely but as Eleanor Roosevelt said
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
- (1884 - 1962)
In hindsight, I am glad and thankful that I was led to this door and that this door opened for me. Since the beginning I have fallen head over heals for Powis Castle. With three weeks left of my contract my heart is tearing a little bit at the thought of leaving. It truely brings me joy to be in such a beautiful location, with such a lovely, friendly, supportive team and to be able to love and give my all to my job role.
Being a visitor experience assistant has strangely enough also giving me some thinking time career wise. I thought that I would want to work behinds the scene planning and organising events. That wish is still there but I am realising more and more how I thoroughly enjoying being on the front lines and actively engaging with people not computers and paper.
It is also lovely to be outside, I have always found it costraphobic being indoors for too long. My soul needs the wind, clouds and trees. I didn't ever think I would be able to combine a job in history with a job outdoors, but all my boxes are ticked!
Also those that know me will know that I could talk about history non-stop. From gushing appeals of the utter wounderfulness of William Marshal to maybe a rather feminist viewpoint of the inspiring and strong willed women who had had an impact on the world, to 13th century underwear washing. Sadly at Powis I don't to gush about William Marshal (nor, more sadly, about his medieval underwear hehe). I do however get to talk, and talk, and talk about history :D
I have thoroughly enjoyed engaging with people, discussing history with them, answering their questions and being witness to their curiosity and questions and seeing first hand that moment your heart stops for a second when you see THAT historic object.
I have had the opportunity to contribute to their experience of history and heritage first hand and I hope have played a part in their lasting memory of the castle.
. . . Even if that lasting memory is of that weird girl who led the tour and got so seriously over excited about that prayer book that she forgot who and where she was.
Most importantly I think I have significantly contributed to survival rates of bugs, insects and worms while waiting to give my talks ;)
6 months ago I did not think I would be where I am now.
Trish (what would I do without you in my life?) asked me in June to write myself a letter to be opened on my birthday this year. I read it a few hours before Powis phoned to let me know I had the job.
In the letter I wrote
' . . . So you have just been for another interview with the National Trust. Did you get it? How did it go? By now you should have found a heritage job! but don't be dissappointed if you haven't though.
“She kept swimming out into life because she hadn't yet found a rock to stand on.”
― Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams. When you find that rock, it is going to be a lovely rock. A wonderful, shiny rock that will be amazingly comfy to sit on and have great views! Definately worth all that swimming.'
I was definately right about the great views!!!!
So to finish, another quote from Barbara Kingsolver:
“What keeps you going isn't some fine destination but just the road you're on, and the fact that you know how to drive. You keep your eyes open, you see this damned-to-hell world you got born into, and you ask yourself, 'What life can I live that will let me breathe in & out and love somebody or something and not run off screaming into the woods?”
― Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
So with 3 weeks left working at Powis I am feeling grateful and blessed but not entirely sure what will happen next. Hopefully I will return to Powis next year but I can be more than content for now in the fact that my road has recently taken a magical twist, helped me understand better how I would like to drive, I have found and been somewhere I have loved and any running around screaming in the woods have been for the pure joy of it not because I have finally lost it.
